By Salvador Vaughan
Deep in the underbelly of the occasionally great state of Massachusetts there is a city, and deep in the underbelly of that city there lies a house, and deep in the underbelly of that house there is a man. A man who swore from the age of 7 that he would protect the city that he and so many other constipated children loved (there was something in the water.) He is: Captain Mahvel.
Mandatory emotional backstory: As the 7 year old Captain Mahvel (at this time Angus Mahvel for he had not been self-promoted yet) staggered out of the bathroom (as plugged up as ever) into the dark, rusty back alley, he was suddenly surrounded by a group of men. All of them wearing khakis, boat shoes and a polo shirt with a cardigan tied around their shoulders. Angus knew right away. These were Harvard boys (or as Angus would say: “Hahvahd”.) Angus ran as fast as he could but he was no match for the so-called intellectuals. They quizzed the young boy so hard about various subjects until he couldn’t bear to stand. Oh and his cat went missing but it didn’t really motivate him as much as the being quizzed thing. Angus was left there, laying in that dark alley with nothing but a pint and some wrong answers.
Present day: As Mahvel sat in his lair plotting his next move, he received a phone call; it’s from the mayor. Mahvel was overjoyed. Finally, he could be recognized for the amazing work he’s done all over town. What would the mayor give him? A statue? A medal? A handshake? Mahvel was excited and sped as fast as he could down to city hall in his Mahvel Mobile (a Dunkin Donuts delivery van.) He burst into the mayor's office in his tight spandex suit and all.
“Angus,” the mayor said. “We need to talk. This is the last straw, you’re under arrest”
“What!?” Angus was infuriated. “This is because you’re afraid of me and all of my power. I’m making this city a bettah place every single day, the children love me, I'm their hero! For god sakes mistah mayah I am the best thing evah to happen to this city and you and your fat cat friends aren’t evah going to hold me down. For I am Captain Mahvel, leadah of many, the face of peace and hope!”
“Angus what the hell are you talking about? Look, I understand that those Hahvahd boys asked you too many questions but that was twenty years ago, man! Please just let it go. For the last time you can’t go around town beating up people that quiz other people, it’s insane! Everytime someone in this town asks someone else more than one non-personal question in a row your stupid Dunkin Donuts van rolls up and you try to fight them. I mean what the hell is that!? Damn it, the only reason the children love you is ‘cause the teachers won’t go to school anymore! How are you the face of peace and hope, Angus? You’re a balding man in women’s jeggings and a tank top with an oil painted ‘M’ on your chest.”
“It’s lead paint, sir,” Angus replied as though it would change the mayor’s mind.
“Right, anyways enough is enough. You’ve fought your last man. You’re under arrest.”
And so Captain Mahvel was taken away and the children of the town all shed a tear as they flushed their sorrows away. For this is the end of Captain Mahvel. Or is it? (It is)